


Wish I Knew

by GonnaTryThisAgain



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:27:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23766106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonnaTryThisAgain/pseuds/GonnaTryThisAgain
Summary: Link would drum fingers along to songs he was disecting beat by beat. He would punch and scream into pillows then go quietly to dinner. See a fragile moment and take pleasure in being the calm as he pushed the moment into exploding. He never saw the beauty in falling apart. He damn sure wish he wasn't the one spiralling out of control right now but here we are.
Relationships: Christy Neal/Link Neal, Jessie McLaughlin/Rhett McLaughlin, Rhett McLaughlin/Link Neal
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

Link let his eyes roam as they swayed in place. He inhaled the lightly fruity scent of Christy's hair as they danced. Her heels letting her head rest perfectly tucked into his neck.Three drinks in the music and the soft murmur of the crowd lent a hazy dreamy quality to the moment. Link’s nose brushed her temple as his eyes unerringly caught on the couple across the floor.

He bit the inside of his cheek as he felt his chest tighten at the sight. Which was ridiculous. It was stupid. As he spun Christy he scolded himself. Now was not the time. It was just another one of those stupid ruts he got into where he just...it was just...Link was always a little star struck by Rhett. Sometimes he still has these moments. Moments where he feels like a starry eyed ten year old looking at Rhett like he’s the center of his universe.

Link had been a lonely kid despite having a diligent, lovely mother who adored him. He couldn’t help the burning envy when he saw other kids with their siblings and friends as he played alone. Then he met Rhett. The gleeful giggling of that first sleepover was a heady thing and when Rhett decided to come back...well that was down right addictive. The first time that Rhett called him his best friend Link was hooked.

“Baby,” the voice cut through his thoughts.

“Hhmm?” Looking down he caught Christy’s bright eyes.

“I’m getting dizzy.” She chuckled. “Let’s go sit down a few minutes.”

“Yeah.” Hand falling to her lower back he guided her to their table. As she dropped into her seat she grinned up at him. Link tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled warmly back at her. “I’m gonna grab another drink, want anything?”

Christy shakes her head, cheeks flushed. As he turns, her hand reaches out to grab his. She laughs softly, “Maybe a water.”

“You got it.” Link winks at her and he chuckles at her eye roll. The wedding was nice. A little stuffy but this sunset outdoor reception more than makes up for it. Link gets a whiskey on the rocks, closes his eyes and lets the world sway around him for a minute. He doesn’t think about it. Doesn’t think about being seventeen and terrified that his best friend is going to leave him. Doesn’t think about Rhett growing up and Link not being able to touch him anymore without him shifting away. Closing his eyes and waiting to feel a god that never comes. Building his life brick by deliberate brick.

Eyes opening he sees Rhett and Jessie walking back to their table, can even pick out their laughter from across the room. It’s harder these days, because Link was always just a little in love with Rhett. Just a little, not enough to change anything, especially how they grew up. Link knew Rhett loved him, he was his best friend but Rhett always drew a hard line at the way friends acted. Link learned what the limits were. Then day by day Rhett blurred the line and Link had to resist the urge to push until Rhett pushed back. Link had a bad habit of pushing a tension filled moment until it damn near broke everyone involved. Link didn’t want to break Rhett.

Rhett catches his eye from across the room. His head cocks as he looks at Link and he wonders what look is on his face. Pointing at his glass Rhett holds up a finger and Links nods his head in acknowledgement. Link downs the last swallow of his drink and turns back to the bartender. “Two whiskeys and four waters please.”

A couple of minutes later he is heading back to the table, weaving between people not doing much for him feeling sober. He is met with amused looks as he approaches the table. Putting the drinks on the table he shakes his head at them as he takes his seat. “Yeah, yeah. Like y’all are sober right now.”

Christy leans into him and sighs. Link wraps his arm around her shoulders as she easily settles into place. “This was nice.” She comments holding the cool water against her red cheeks before opening it.

“Yeah.” Link agrees threading his fingers in her hair and pressing a kiss to her cheekbone. “It was.”

Dark green eyes catch his as he inhales the faintly sweet scent of Christy’s hair, Rhett’s eyes still just vaguely curious at whatever has been playing across his face for the last while. Rhett raises an eyebrow at him. Link breaks their stare and turns his eyes back to the dance floor and ignores the weight of Rhett’s gaze. He sips his drink and holds his wife a little tighter.


	2. Chapter 2

Rhett pinches the bridge of his nose as he hears Link softly snuffling on the couch of their office. It had been a long day, Link had rearranged his desk three times today and paced while rattling off ideas. One too many of Rhett’s exasperated sighs and Link had laid out on the couch, closed his eyes and finally just turned his brain off. 

It wasn't a new occurrence, where Link acted like something was nipping at his heels telling him to go, go, go. There had been more than one raised eyebrow of an editor when Link displayed over the top energy during an episode. Rhett tries not to let it annoy him. The times he had, snapping with a digging comment, the guilt had lingered like sticky molasses that was hard to shake. 

Through their podcast and his own therapy Rhett has discovered layers to Link that he never thought to look at. He never saw it then, Rhett was born with a confidence that it’s taken years to realize was arrogance and ego that needed taken down a few notches. Looking back he could see echoes of the Link he can read so much easier now. A quiet contemplation when he was invited to dinner at Rhett’s house, eyes lingering on Cole and his dad. A bitten lip when he’s told he’s too much, too loud and brash for what the situation called for. A hesitant smile as Rhett joked about them not being friends, like maybe he changed his mind.

This was one of those days where Rhett just wanted to hold down Link until he was still and quiet. When Link was frenetic he ended up goading the people around him up to his level, which left the office spun up in a frenzy as a new idea is thrown at them or Link wants to see mock ups of current projects. Sometimes it produced amazing results and other times it left everyone frustrated. Today Link was even frustrated with himself.

Rhett wrote a few final lines on the email he was sending before closing the laptop. He spun the chair to face the sleeping figure. Link was sprawled out on the couch, head tipped up with his glasses still sat on his face askew. “Link,” he sing-songs.

Link is still dead to the world so Rhett walks the short distance to slap the open palm of his hand on the bottom of Link’s shoe. The movement jars Link’s leg and he startles awake. “Wha-” Link’s icy blue eyes focus, lingering for a moment on Rhett as he wakes up. “Crap. How long was I out?”

Rhett’s eyes glance over to his computer to check the time. “Just a half hour or so.”

“You ready to head out?” Link’s voice still drags with sleep.

“Yeah.” Rhett yawns as he stretches, long arms reaching for the ceiling. They didn’t carpool often, their usual morning schedules putting them out of sync of each other, today was a rarity. “You got everything worked out for next week?”

Link finishes grabbing a few of his things before meeting Rhett by their office door. “Yeah.” They close the door behind them and head toward the exit. “Christy’s parents are flying in so she’s gonna do one of those overnight spa things.”

“Man, I should see if I can talk Jessie into letting someone watch the kids. Four days alone with them? They may drive her crazy." 

After the reaction to the Buies Creek series they had been planning to do something along the same vein. They settled on a camping trip, four days in Northern California. They waffled between taking a small production team or shooting it themselves vlog style. It was worth the extra effort of shooting it themselves if the results were less...shiny and more authentic. The footage would be edited and rolled out while they took a few week break.

Making sure that everything is locked behind them they head to Rhett’s car. “I would say she could foist them off on Christy’s parents but…” Link trails off with a grin. “They may not appreciate that.”

Rhett chuckles as he settles in the driver’s seat, he puts on his sunglasses. “Eh, we’ll figure something out.”

“I’ll mention it at least. I mean four days is nothing compared to some of the stuff we’ve pulled on them. They’ve put up with us for this long.”

“So far, so good.” Rhett agrees, thankful for their ridiculously understanding wives. The topic falls away as they settle into the drive. Singing under his breath he becomes aware of the silence in the passenger seat. Link’s fingers are steadily drumming against the panel on the door. “You good?”

“Hhmm?” Link turns to look at him. 

Rhett debates for a moment whether to repeat the question, but it hadn’t just been today. Link had been equal parts overly engaged and disconnected for the better part of the week. It had Rhett on edged. “You been kinda…” He raises both hands and makes a vigorous shaking motion.

Head cocking Link’s eyes trace his hands as they settle back on to the wheel. “Yeah,” Link sighed. Rhett glances over to see Link’s gaze fixed near him but not focused. “No, I’m good. Just ready for this trip.”

“Yeah?” Rhett knows it’s not the whole truth but can't help the smile at the thought of it.

Link gently slaps the back of his hand on Rhett’s chest. “Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.” He unlocks his phone, glancing down at it and effectively ending the conversation. “Did you see that article on Variety?”

Rhett half-listens as Link launches into the story, hands waving in broad gestures as he spoke his body language loosening up some. He just resigns himself to the fact that either Link was going to work through it on his own or get sick of it living inside his head and chose to talk it out. Rhett wasn’t going to be stuck with Link for four days being contemplative and distant.

Link sighs as he closes the door and rests his head against it for a moment to take a deep measured breath. He empties his pockets, putting each item in its place and tries to picture his mind emptying along with it. There had been a thrumming anxiousness lingering this week. Even when his mind was empty a driving sense of anticipation had left him drained. A smile tugged at his mouth as he heard a screech from somewhere in the house before a thundering of feet.

He hears Christy’s voice ring out, “Y’all quiet down!” Following the voice he peaks around the corner and sees Christy pulling things from the fridge onto the kitchen counter. She looks up when she hears him. “Hey baby.”

Pulling her back into him he squeezes her. “Hey, how was your day?”

She leans into him for a long moment. “It was good, what about you?”

“Better now.” Link lets her go and she turns to start preparing for dinner. “Just a lot going on right now.”

Christy hums in agreement. “Y’all getting everything wrapped up?”

“Mostly.” Link hops up on the counter across from her and grins at her playful glare at the move. “We’re picking up some more equipment on Monday before we hit the road.”

A pan on the stove sizzles as Christy throws some onions in it. She turns to look at him, a hip resting against the cabinet. “You excited?”

“Yeah.”

The words are quieter than he intended and Christy walks over to him. She peers up at him and taking her thumb traces what he can feel is a furrow between his eyes. “What are you so worried about?” The question is only partly directed toward him as she muses to herself.

He catches her hand when it falls and tangles their fingers. “It’s a chronic condition here.” Link loves her. Loves the life they’ve built together and curling up together every night. Loves these hands that have held their babies, hands that reach for his own over the console of a car, smoothed down bandaids and fly-aways.

Christy’s head cocks to the side as she surveys him. “Camping with Rhett gonna clear up that head of yours or make it worse?”

“I don’t know.” He responds honestly.

She nods to herself before turning away from him. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” Her voice is deliberately casual. Link bites the inside of his cheeks to brace himself for a moment. He leans against the upper cabinets and watches as Christy stirs the contents of the pan. “So you know...whenever you figure it out. I’ll be waiting.”

Christy shoots a small smile over her shoulder and Link instinctively returns it. Link loves her so much it aches.


	3. Chapter 3

“What do you think?” Rhett holds up two different pairs of sneakers.

Jessie looks up briefly before waving a hand, “Why not take both? It’s just the two of you, not like you won’t have the room.”

“Hhhmm,” Rhett considers. “I guess you’re right.” He throws both pairs on the bed.

“Better to take too much. Especially since it you guys will beso far away.” She places a bookmark and sets her book on the nightstand.

“Yeah, I hate packing.”

“No suits though.”

Rhett smiles. “Just swimsuits.”

“Hhhmmm.” Jessie raises her eyebrows. “Link out of his funk?”

“No.” Rhett sighs. “It’s driving me crazy.”

Rhett flops down on the bed and Jessie huffs as she is bounced. He settles with his head near her crossed legs. Jessie gently scratches her nails through his hair. “He’s allowed to process whatever this is by himself. He may just be working through something.”

“I know that.”

Jessie gently pinches his nose. “Don’t push.”

“I haven’t!” Rhett exclaims.

“You like to dig.”

“I’m a curious guy!”

“I know.” Jessie agrees softly. “A curious guy who knows a lot of Link’s buttons. Don’t push them until he’s pissed off enough to let you in.”

Rhett crookedly smiles up at her. “You don’t know me.”

Jiggling his head with her knee she pushes him up. “Finish packing. Link is fine.”

He sighs and raises up. “Link said Christy’s parents are coming into town while we’re gone.”

“Yeah, she suckered them into watching the whole brood. She invited me to go with her to the spa.” Jessie wags her eyebrows at him. “We’ll be having our own mini excursion.”

“Ya’ll deserve it for putting up with our hellions. We may have to treat Christy’s parents to their own spa vacation.”

Jessie giggles. “I figure they could just lock the front door and let them loose. We’ll deal with the clean-up.”

“Times like these it’d be more convenient if we lived in a concrete bunker with a drain in the floor.”

“Just hose it all down.”

Rhett held up his hands. “Hey, I suggested it when we moved but you wanted an actual house.”

She digs a playful hand into his armpit and he jumps, she laughs as she gets up from the bed. “Well, we all live with our regrets.” Jessie pauses at the doorway. “What are you thinking for dinner?”

“Takeout?” he suggests hopefully.

“Less work for me. I’ll see what the boys think.”

Rhett nods in agreement as she leaves the room. Reaching for his phone he can’t resist sending a quick text to Link. Just to check in.

_R: You all packed?_

_L: Not yet. Mostly though. You?_

_R: I’m struggling._

_L: It’s just four days. Just shove a bunch of shit in a bag. You trying to look pretty for the cameras?_

Rhett smiles at the question, maybe Link was getting excited. Jessie was right. No matter how bad he wanted to he couldn’t poke Link ‘til he exploded with whatever was bothering him. That was wrong, right?

_R: You feeling better?_

_L: I wasn’t feeling bad. I’m fine._

_R: Ssuurree._

_L: Watcha trying to do here Rhett?_

_R: Bug you into talking to me._

_L: Mmm. Y’know it could make a guy self-conscious when he keeps being pressed about something being wrong when nothing is. Just a lot of planning the past couple weeks. Maybe I’ll try meditation._

_R: I’d like to see that._

_L: Rhett...finish packing. This is going to be fun. Don’t stress about me._

Successfully being scolded by both his partners in life to finish packing he throws his phone on the bed and he walks back over to his closet. Rhett groaned and started pulling shirts off hangers. He didn’t know why this was bothering him so much. Link was a grown man, he would talk to him if he needed anything.

Link closed the last door after checking in on his kids, all tucked in bed with some sleeping and some watching what they swore was just one more video before bed. He headed down to the stairs. Christy was wrapping up the night taking a bath and turning in, the day having been a little too stimulating for her. She could probably do with a little space from him.

Debating for a moment he gives in and makes himself a drink before turning out the lights and going into his backyard. Link chooses a random playlist and syncs it to their outdoor stereo system before settling into one of the patio chairs. The night is beautiful, a warm breeze and a not quite full moon staring down at him. The music is low, as not to disturb the occupants of the house. He takes a deep breath, the air smelling of damp grass and tinged with pool water. He tips his head back and the sky reflects back at him, a vast canvas of a billion dappled dots. It’s nowhere as clear as the view from a North Carolina field but it’ll do.

Link remembers wanting to be an astronaut for a few months as a kid. Looking at the sky and thinking that he could almost touch it. Strapping yourself into a plane with rockets underneath in an attempt to fling yourself into the sky, break past the blue and settle into a sea of black. Everything you know on a small rock beneath you. It’s insane to think about. He takes a sip of his drink, maybe in another life.

The buzzing of his phone interrupts his wandering thoughts, a picture of him and Rhett hiking lighting up the night. He debates answering it for a moment and wonders what kind of friend that makes him. He swipes to answer, “Hello?” His voice has taken on a hushed tone, the night pressing in on all sides.

“Hey,” Rhett’s voice is louder, a distant clanging coming through the line. “Did I interrupt something?”

“Just my dreams of being an astronaut.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’d never pass the vision test.”

Link bites down a smile then gives up because who is there to even see it? “Damn, there goes that dream.”

“We’ll write a skit, you can be an astronaut all day long.”

Link grins at the comment, “Dreams do come true. What’s up?”

“Just making sure you’re all ready.”

“Uh-huh.” Link rolls his eyes. “Didn’t we just have this conversation?”

“Maybe I missed you.”

Link can hear the smile in his voice. He bites his lip and rocks his glass, contents sweeping the sides as he makes a small whirlpool in it. “You’ll be sick of me soon enough.”

“Should I pack a jet pack in case one of needs to make an emergency exit?” Rhett’s voice pitches lower and drags a bit, as he is wont to do when he thinks he’s being cute.

“That’d be smart.”

“I’ll dust off the one in the garage. Think we’re going to make it through four days alone together?”

“Yeah.” Link swallows around the lump in his throat. His voice catches a little when he responds. “Just me and you, buddy.”

“Just like the old days.”

Link’s brow furrows. “Maybe a little more upscale. Not a lean-to in the forest.”

“We were animals, weren’t we?” Rhett is teasing, his voice matching the pitch of Link’s and taking on a softer tone.

“Running around like wild things and now we’re paying for the experience.”

“I think we’re getting old.” He whispers the words, like they’re a secret.

“Talk to me again after we sleep on that blow-up mattress for a couple days, you’re really gonna feel old then.”

Rhett groans at his future self’s aches and pains. “Can’t wait. Okay, I’ll let you go. Just checking up on you.”

Link worries the hemline of his shorts between his fingers. It should all be so simple. He followed all the steps. Grow up, have a family, live happily ever after. He’s there, this is the happy. “I’m good.” His voice is heavy, even to himself. He didn’t mean for the words to come out like that. There’s a long pause and Link braces himself for it.

“You know why I’m worried, don’t you?”

The inquiry is gentle. They dig into a quiet little place in Link that feels bruised. He peers at the sky and it feels like a thousand eyes staring back at him. He feels like he’s drowning in his own thoughts. Link just wants someone to let him crawl into their lap and contain him. “Yeah.”

Rhett takes the words in stride. “You know you can talk to me right?”

Links nods feeling a betraying sting behind his eyes, he does know that. He could tell Rhett that sometimes he looks over and is giddy with the thought of still. After all these years, still right there grinning back at him in a wig, wearing a costume, finishing the line of a song. He’ll get the urge to just reach over and fit his hand in the perfect place at the crook of Rhett’s neck to pull him closer. Wonders if Rhett would let him try to make him feel small and adored. They’ll be playing a stupid game, be an inch from one another’s face and he’ll think _I could just_...he could tell Rhett this.

“Yeah,” Link responds remembering that Rhett can’t see him nod. Link knows, knows that if he ever spoke the words they would eat away at every person in his life. And as for his own family...he would never...he could never. He’s spent years talking himself out of it, years learning to be content. If he can contain this so it just poisons himself with no one ever knowing, that’s better right? “I know I can.”

Rhett sighs and Link hates whatever his silences have given away. “Okay. I’ll leave you be.”

“Thanks Rhett.” Light spills onto the patio from indoors. He looks over his shoulder and sees Christy standing in the doorway.

“Always. Bright and early Monday morning?”

“You know it.” Link ends the call and pulls up his legs onto the chair turning in place. “Hey, I thought you were turning in.”

She’s backlit by the light of the kitchen, damp hair a golden halo around her face. Christy flips the light off and walks out to meet him, taking the chair closest. “I heard you talking. That Rhett?”

“Mmmm.” He hums an affirmative and watches as she takes a sip of the drink he made. Link smiles softly as her nose wrinkles at the taste. “Just making sure I was ready for Monday.”

“I’m a little jealous.” She admits.

“You want to do a camping thing this summer?”

Christy’s head cocks. “Maybe we can do something just you and me.”

Link nods. He knows it’s hard for her sometimes. The fact that he has another ‘partner’ in life that he travels the world with, that he saves new experiences for Rhett to be taped and shared, that they’re looking into buying a house together. It’s a weird dynamic to navigate and they’re learning all the time. “I’d like that.”

She smiles back at him, her eyes unreadable in the dark night. “I don’t mind sharing you. I've gotten quite good at it, I think.” Link’s lips purse as she reaches for his hand. Her fingers link with his and her eyes are fixed where they meet. He watches as she takes a measured breath. “I love you. I love you and I want you to be happy.”

Link’s stomach drops, wondering what he’s given away. His voice is rough when he responds. “I am happy.”

“Could you be happier?” Her eyes are clear, no anger or accusation in them.

“Aren’t you happy?”

“Of course! You are…” Her smile was bright as she looked at him. “...my soulmate, love of my life. And you do a lot for us.”

“I want to.”

“I know. You want to be a good father. A good business owner. A good friend. I watch you…” Christy looks up as if searching for the words as she thinks. “I watch you make these very conscious decisions to be good. I love that you do it. I do. I just don’t know if you ever make the decision that you need to be happy.”

Link rests his chin on his raised knees and peers back at her. “Being those things makes me happy.” He squeezes her hand and weighs his next words. “Christy Neal, you are the love of my life. I love the life we've built together.” Her responding smile is slightly bittersweet and he hates it, hates the fact that he can’t say the words soulmate. That she doesn’t see that he finds more beauty in the fact that they’ve relentlessly chosen each other again and again over destiny.

Christy looks out over their backyard, looking out into the hills their house is settled into. The drag of her accent has somehow survived their years away from home better than his own. “I just worry. Sometimes I feel like I keep making these decisions day to day of what I want my life to be and then I look up to find that years have passed.” She sighs settling deeper into her seat, her face still bittersweet. “You ever miss a moment as it’s happening?”

Link considers the question as he looks over at her. The light of the moon softening her features, almost unchanged in twenty years, her hair drying into loose waves. His hand is warm where it’s still tangled with her own. He laughs softly and looks back at the stars. “All the damn time.”


End file.
